Gross, Hagrid

I finished listening to Harry Potter today.  Jim Dale is so much fun.  Of course I have several other reviews to write before I can get around to reviewing it, but I wanted to take a moment now to have some fun with it anyway.  You see, one of the worst things about the book is that Rowling completely fails to capitalize on the year when Harry and Ron start to notice girls and well, Hermione’s feelings are pretty much non-existent.

I refuse to miss out on all the magical teenage anguish that must have been floating around Hogwarts, so I did my very best to remove a few quotes as far from their context as possible and imagine that Rowling was actually giving us closely guarded hints at how being a teenage witch or wizard might really have been with so many students and so few teachers.

Let’s ease into this.  What exactly did Harry have in mind, I wonder:

And as the vela danced faster and faster, wild, half-formed thoughts started chasing through Harry’s dazed mind.  He wanted to do something very impressive, right now.

Harry’s dirty thinking - Chapter 8

This makes me uncomfortable for so many reasons:

“Nice socks, Potter.”  Moody growled as he passed, his magical eye staring through Harry’s robes.

Mad-Eye Moody to Harry - Chapter 23

I always figured Hagrid for a despicable old half-giant, but this is just obscene:

“Big bones…I’ll give her big bones.”

Harry, Ron, and Hermione looked at one another nervously…

Hagrid to the Gang - Chapter 24

Never, ever, say prod:

(his voice was so quiet now, Harry leaned closer to listen) “if I can help at all…a prod in the right direction…I’ve taken a liking to you…”

Ludo Bagman to Harry - Chapter 24

Everything about this next one is filthy, but then her name is Moaning Myrtle after all:

“Oooh, very good,” she said, her thick glasses twinkling, “it took Diggory much longer than that!  And that was with her awake too”

Moaning Myrtle to Harry - Chapter 25

I’d venture to guess this is illegal for several reasons, but what do I know about Wizarding Law (also this is not actually funny):

Ron was tied between Hermione and Cho Chang.  There was also a girl who looked no older than eight…All four of them appeared to be in a very deep sleep.

Chapter 26

I can’t tell if it’s the “master” or the “winky” that makes this sound wrong:

“Master is needing his…Winky!”

Winky to Hermione - Chapter 28

I actually look forward to reviewing this book, and I hope to get around to soon.  Until then, which was the least appropriate?